When Synapses Go Bad

Rose had woken up before me. She seemed to be fairly frisky for having just greeted the new morning, if that’s what it was. At this point I still had no idea what day it was much less what time. I did realize it was daytime because it was light out but whether it was morning or afternoon I couldn’t tell. This was how most days began. Not always with Rose there but with the rest of waking up.

As I mentioned, Rose was up to no gone in the sexual encounter department and her activities were actuality the stimulus for my “great awakening”. I kind of surprised her though when I said I wasn’t quite ready yet and as she continued to make her calculated advances I actually asked her to stop with somewhat of an anguished tone. This almost shocked her. She said, “well isn’t this a switch. It’s supposed to be the gal refusing a guy’s advances, not the other way around”. But, you see, I had been drinking heavily the night before as I did most nights, and days for as well. and I was in no condition for sex, work, play or even any kind of real living. I wasn’t just hung over now, I was in a perpetual state of active alcoholism. There, I had thought it and was about to admit it. I told Rose that I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t know if I used the term Alcoholic or not but I had come to a point of total despair, an anquish from the realization that I could not control my drinking much less stop it. “I was helpless over alcohol and my life had become totally unmanageable”. The relief, good feelings and escape that I sought were no longer available to me from a bottle. Instead of good times, the bottle brought me bad times. Instead of happiness it brought sadness. The fun and games turned into a burning shame. The substance I so readily abused dropped me to my knees and what had been a shelter from the storm had now become a prison of despair.

Then, I cried.

I told this to Rose as she gently held me. For once she was seeing the real me I thought but oh, I foolish I was to think that my secret was within me. Rose said that she knew all along the problem I was having. Of course the depth of feeling was another matter but she certainly was well aware of my plight as were most of my other friends and acquaintances. It was so obvious to everyone, to everyone but me that is. Apparently, I was amongst that last few to find out what I had become and it wasn’t pretty, what I had become.

I don’t remember how that day concluded, what Rose and I did, where we went, what was said. I know the day went on and although I didn’t know it I would soon find the way to……